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 MAG TAWANAN MUNA TAYO

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konekto
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Age : 35
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PostSubject: MAG TAWANAN MUNA TAYO   Fri Nov 16, 2007 2:19 pm

TOTO : Grabe! Hinoldap ako! Muntik na ako mamatay!

NOEL : Oh, di ka nanghingi ng tulong?

TOTO : Nag-text ako sa Police Station

NOEL : Anong sabi ng pulis?

TOTO : Hu u?


--------------

AMO : Inday! Ano nangyari at may bukol ang anak ko na si Junior?

INDAY: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not so well engineered architectural of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy's cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.

AMO : ha ?!?


(ang lupit ni Inday noh? wehehehe)

----------------------------

TATAY : (naghihingalo ) Anak, pag namatay ako, huwag na huwag mong ibebenta ang 12 ektaryang lupa sa likod natin...

ANAK : Pero Itay....

TATAY : Yung sasakyan jan sa harap bahay natin, pakiusap, huwag mo ring ebenta....

ANAK : Eh Itay, ano ba yang pinagsasabi nyo?

TATAY: higit sa lahat huwag mong Ibenta yung kalabaw na nakatali jan sa gilid natin...

ANAK : Ano ka ba Itay.... HINDI naman sa atin lahat yun ah!

TATAY : kaya nga HUWAG mong ibenta!

-------------------------

SON : Dad, pinagalitan ako ng titser ko!

DAD: Bakit?

SON : Hinalikan ko po seatmate ko!

DAD : Itong anak ko mana talaga sa akin, hehehe! Masarap ba?

SON : Opo! Pogi nya eh!

---------------------------

MATANDANG IGOROT : Mag-iingat ka sa iyong paglalakbay dahil ito'y mapanganib. Dalhin mo ang BALARAW ng ating mga ninuno upang iyong maging proteksyon. kunin mo din itong isang bote ng HAMOG na nakakapatid uhaw at gutom.
.............. Natatandaan mo pa ba ang iyong landas na tatahakin?

KABATAANG IGOROT : cge.. cge, basta ... TXT TXT na lang!

MATANDANG IGOROT : Diyaskeng bata ere, i- MISCOL mo muna me, ha?

----------------

NOEL : Ipapangalan ko sa aking anak , " LEON". kabaligtaran ng Noel.

NIÑO : Sa akin "ONIN", baligtad na Niño.

TOTO : P@!&% nyo. AYOKO ng ganitong usapan!

------------------
Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!

Two nurses on duty...
Nurse 1: Hoy! wenks, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko!!
Shocked!!!

Hari: Ano gusto mong parusa? ipakain sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
Pedro: Mas gugustuhin ko pong pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.
Hari: Mga kawal! ilabas si Jolibee! (Wink)


Parishioner: Father bakit may nakasampay na daster, bra at panty sa may
kumbento? may asawa ka ba?
Father: Wala, pero kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon nyo, di ako mabubuhay!
Tumatanggap ako ng labada!


GF: I'm warning you! darating na si daddy within 1 hour!
BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong ginagawang masama ah!
GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka, DALIAN MO NA!! (Wink)

Nun: I was raped... what shall i do?
Mother Superior: Hir, take this calamansi.
Nun: Wil ds ease d pain?
Mother Superior: Sipsipin mo ng mawala ngiti sa mukha mo!


Nay? bakit po VICTORIA ang name ni ate?
Kasi anak dun namin siya ginawa ng itay mo...
Eh bakit si kuya, ANITO?
Ay, tumigil ka na nga, Luneta, at baka mapalo kita! Tawagin mo na si kuya FX
mo!

BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital):
Hello... may tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator: Wala po, bakit?!
Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!


Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto
namin
(dumaan ang mister nya...)
Misis: Pogi, available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister: 'Yoko sa'yo kamukha mo misis ko!


Maid: Sir sinong mas yummy? si mam ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh... sabi kasi ng driver, eh mas yummy
daw talaga si mam!


Bigo ka ba sa luv? Eto mga gud partners:
Kuba: Mapagkumbaba
Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan
Bulag: Walang paki sa looks mo
Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words
Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag isa!

Biyaya na makukuha sa Gulay:
AMPALAYA, pampapula ng dugo, KALABASA pampalinaw ng mata, TALONG pampatirik
ng mata, MANI pampatirik ng TALONG. Ay! nalito na ako. Sorry


A husband came home 4AM and saw his wife in bed with another man.
His wife shouted at him, "Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"


Ellen: Sabi ng ibang lahi definitely daw hindi pinoy si Eba at Adan...dahil
kung pinoy daw, hindi nun kakainin ung apple...ahas daw ang kakainin ng pinoy!

BUS HINOLDAP!
Holdaper: Re-reypin ko lahat ng babae dito!
Prosti: Ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! Sasagot pa gagang 'to!


Dalawang probinsyano sumakay sa elevator
Gorio: Magkano ibabayad natin?
Andoy: panga! Inosente! Bugok! Stupid! Ba't ka magbabayad eh wala pa nga
tayong tiket!


Pedro accidentally elbows a foreigner in a crowded room.
Pedro: Ay sori!
Foreigner: Sorry, too!
Pedro: Sori 3!
Foreigner: What are you sorry for?
Pedro: (kala mo bobo ako ha!) Sori 5!
Foreigner: I think you are sick!
Pedro: Hahahaha! Sick daw, eh seven ang kasunod!
^

Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?
Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo, Bata, Macho!
Pedro: Nagseselos ka?
Juan: Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan!

Anak: Itay, bibili ako ng bond paper.
Itay: Anak, 'wag kang bobo ha? Hindi "bond paper" ang tawag dun!
Anak: Ano po ba?
Itay: "Kokongban"


Women are physically stronger than men...Why?
Because women can carry two mountains at a time while men can carry only two
eggs...
Take note....with the help of a bird pa!

Madre: Father, tell your seminarian not to urinate along the fence...
Father: Sister naman, maliit na bagay lang papansinin mo pa...
Madre: No, MALALAKI, Father.. MALALAKI!


Three girls make paalam to their Dad...
Girl 1: Dad, I'm going out with Pete to Eat.
Girl2: I'm going out with Lance to Dance.
Girl3: I'm going out with Chuck to...----.
Dad: Ah, Hinde! Dito ka lang sa bahay!!!


Ama: Hoy! Huwag kang babakla bakla ha?
Anak: Hindi po Itay, pupunta nga ako ng basketbolan eh!
Ama: Yan! Astig!
Anak: Inay? nakita mo yung POMPOMS ko?
Ina: Alin? yung pink?

Pare 1: Pare, sa wakas nag ka GF na rin ako!!
Pare 2: Bakit!?! Ngayon ka lang ba nagka GF?
Pare 1: Oo pare! Sobrang higpit kasi ni Misis eh! Ngayon lang ako nakalusot!


Sino mas kawawa? Yung taong iniwan ng mahal niya o mga taong nagmamahal ng
walang gusto sa kanya?
Pareho lang di ba?
Pero mas kawawa yung taong....bihis na bihis na tapos...hindi naman pala
kasama !?!

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PostSubject: Inday sa Deal or No Deal...   Mon Nov 19, 2007 11:09 am

Nang sumali si inday sa deal or no deal..
KRIS: Magandang gabi, mga kapamilya. Sa game nshow na ito, importante ang sagot sa nag-iisang katanungang, ‘Deal or No Deal?’ Ang ating player ngayong gabi ay walang iba kundi ang fastest-rising household services manager na si Inday!
[Umentra si Inday at nagpalakpakan ang mga tao.]

KRIS: Ok, Inday, choose a briefcase.

INDAY: Kris, I would opt for case #4 please
KRIS: Briefcase # 4... si Sharmel. Inday, matanong ko lang, how did you come up with the number 4?

INDAY: Oh, do you really want to know, Kris?

KRIS: Oo naman. I’m sure, kaya ko namang maintindihan ‘yung sasabihin mo, eh.

INDAY: The number 4 was acquired based on a probability distribution function that involves integrating up to an area greater than or equal to that random number which should be generated between 0 and 1 for proper distributions.

KRIS: Syet. tanong tanong pa kasi eh. Ok, Inday, choose 6 briefcases to open.

INDAY: I would opt for 7, 24, 12, 2, 15 and 20.

KRIS: Wait lang, Inday. Usually, isa-isa lang ang pagbubukas natin ng case...

INDAY: Why is that? As if I can change the outcome if we’re to open a case each time I blurt out a number as opposed to opening each case immediately one after the other right?

KRIS: Hayyy... babaguhin pa talaga mechanics? (bulong sa sarili) Anwyay, di bale na lang nga... tuloy tayo. Number 7. Natalie, buksan na!
[Sumigaw ang audience ng, "LOWER! LOWER!"]

INDAY: (tahimik)

KRIS: Teka lang, bago natin buksan... Inday, usually ang mga contestant natin ay sumisigaw ng ‘LOWER’ every time magbubukas ng case.

INDAY: Kris, I guess that’s not the way I was taught in grade school. You see, I was taught that we should only use the comparative form of the word or add ‘ER’ to the adjective if we are comparing two things. And since it is only the first briefcase that we are going to open, we have nothing to compare it to. Am I right?
[Natahimik ang audience at napaisip.]

KRIS: Oo nga, ‘no?! Sige, Natalie, buksan mo na.
[Ang laman ng briefcase #7 ay piso. Palakpakan ang mga tao.]

KRIS: Good start! Ano ‘yung next case mo ulit?

INDAY: Case# 24, please

KRIS: Chloe... buksan na...
[Sumigaw ulit ang audience ng, "LOWER! LOWER!"]

INDAY: (tahimik lang)

KRIS: Wait lang, guys. Inday, may nabuksan nang case, bakit hindi ka pa rin sumisigaw ng, ‘Lower’?

INDAY: Oh my goodness, Kris! How long have you been doing this? Have you ever encountered a value that is lower than a peso in this game? Tell me, is there any value left lower than the one we just opened?
[Napaisip ulit ang audience at natahimik]

KRIS: Aarrgghh!!! Chloe, buksan na lang nga, pati na rin ‘yung 12, 2, 15 and 20, buksan na rin para matapos na. (naiirita na)
[At sunud-sunod na ngang binuksan ang mga briefcase na pinili ni Inday.]
[Nag-ring ang phone.]

INDAY: Ahh, Kris… to save more time, can you tell Banker that I’m not interested in his first offer? In the history of this game of chance, I have yet to see someone accept a first offer from the Banker. It’s quite pathetic and pretentious for contestants to pause and look around the audience as if asking for advice before ultimately rejecting the first offer. I mean, come on, isn’t that a waste of airtime?

BANKER: Potahhh!!! [narinig sa set kahit sarado ang kuwarto ni Banker]
[Ito ang unang pagkakataon na marinig ng audience ang boses ni Banker sa Deal or No Deal.]
… dumating na sa kalagitnaan ng show at mukhang minamalas na si Inday…

Kris: Ok Inday, mukhang kelangan na natin ng tulong sa mga friends mo… sino ba yung bigotilyong lalaki na naka-polo? Ano name nya?

Inday: Ahh, that’s my master Mr. Montemayor.

Kris: Ahhh sya pala yun, how cute naman pala eh. Sige sir, give us a number.

Mr. Montemayor: Hi Kris, good evening. I’m a fan. I choose number 12 please.

Kris: Ano Inday ok ba yung number 12?

Inday: Whatever, we shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds us anyway. Go ahead.

Kris: [taray naman] Sofie, buksan na!
[ang laman ng briefcase 12 ay 5,000]

Kris: Good job! Sino naman yung gwapong lalake na naka jumper na katabi ni Mr. Montemayor? What’s his name?

Inday: Ahh, that’s my on again off again boyfriend, Dodong the gardener.

Kris: Ooohh, sya pala yun. Ok Dodong, give us a number!

Dodong: Hi babes, I choose briefcase 9 if it’s ok with you. If not, it’s ok with me as long as it’s ok with you.

Kris: Ano raw? Inday, number 9 daw ok sayo?

Inday: Yes Kris, it’s fine with me.

Kris: Wow ang bait pag kay Dodong. Ederlyn… buksan na!!
…nanlaki ang mga mata ni Inday at hindi sya makapaniwala. Natahimik at mukhang kakapusin sya ng hininga…

Inday: YOU!!! How dare you invade my moment!
[nagulat si Kris at ang mga audience sa reaksyon ni Inday. Nagpatawag si Kris ng commercial break at nagpakuha ng tubig para kay Inday.]
Nagkatitigan sina Inday at Ederlyn. Nakangisi si Ederlyn habang hawak ang briefcase ni Inday.

Ederlyn: Pinapangako ko, Inday… pagbukas luluhod ang mga tala! hahahahaha!

Inday: What? Can you speak up? What are you mumbling up there. Can somebody give her a microphone please?

Kris: Ano ba!! Tama na nga ang drama ninyo, Ederlyn buksan mo na ang case at umexit ka na kung ayaw mong mapalitan! (naiirita na si Kris)
Dali-daling binuksan ni Ederlyn ang briefcase at ang laman ay… P3,000,000.
Nanghinayang ang mga audience… Ang mga natirang values ay 250, 1K, 20K, 50K, and 500K.

Inday: NooOoo…. (sabay tingin kay Dodong at napapaluha), how could you…

Dodong: I’m so sorry Inday, please forgive me.

Kris: Hayyy, drama again. Ang offer ni banker sa pagbabalik ng Kapamilya, Deal.. or No Deal!
[pagtapos ng commercial break… mukhang composed na ulit si Inday]

Kris: Inday, are you okay? Ang offer ni banker ay 99 thousand pesos. ‘Sing rami siguro ng pilipinong pinadugo mo na ilong. Is it a Deal or No Deal?
Tahimik lang si Inday tilang may kinocompute sa ulo habang ang mga audience ay nagsisigawan ng “No Deal”, ang iba naman ay “Deal”.

Kris: Wait lang, kung mapapansin ninyo we have only have 5 cases left, and among those 5, apat doon ay mas maliit na value…

Inday: Kris, do you mind? Can I do my own thinking?
Natameme si Kris, pati ang audience ay natahimik.

Kris: Taray to the max! (pabulong sa sarili)

Inday: Ok, I’m ready. Upon looking at the reality of the situation, 80% of the cases left have at least 49K less than the banker’s offer. The only way I can do better than what is offered is that if my case contains the 500k or I’d get to open one of the four lower values. But I have to keep in mind that there’s only 20% probability that this would happen. I have to take note, however, that the banker’s offer is roughly around 15% lower than the offer I expected based on the arithmetic mean of the values left.

Kris: Lorddd… panaginip ba ‘to? Ayokonaaa….

Inday: Accepting a deal for less than the mean should generally be regarded as a weak decision so I would say, NO DEAL!
Limang briefcase na lang ang natitira at kasama na doon ang case ni Inday…

Kris: My God, nakaka-stress itong episode na ito ha. Baka dumugo na rin ang ilong ko sa’yo Inday. Sige Inday, go ahead and choose 1 briefcase!

Inday: Ok Kris, I choose briefcase #5 please?

Kris: Briefcase #5! Mimi bago mo buksan yan I would first like to thank Figliarina by Schubizz for my sandals, Bambi Fuentes for my hair and make-up and Pepsi Herrera for my gown tonight.

Kris: Ok Mimi, buk…

Inday: Ahh Kris, can I also take time to thank a few people? I mean, I did save us a few minutes of airtime right?
Kris: (“kapal naman talaga ng mukha”…bulong sa sarili) Sige, ok lang go ahead. (naka-smile pa rin)
Inday: Thanks! Yes, I would like to thank Frank Provost for my hair and make-up, Jimmy Choo for my sandals and my dear friend Oscar dela Renta for my gown tonight.

BLAG!! Tinumba ni Kris ang podium at nagwalk-out. Hindi na natapos ang show kaya’t binigyan na lang ni Banker si Inday ng kalahating milyon para sa kanyang oras.
Inday: Oh, and thanks to the people of Cartier for sending me these nice earrings for tonight!
Laughing lol!
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